Rage & Apathy

Rage and apathy seem to be two characteristics that have always defined me. A stark juxtaposition, yes, but true none-the-less. The ratio is not balanced though. I would say a generous estimate would be 90% apathy and 10% rage. The rage is well veiled though so it probably comes across more like 5 or 6%, but trust me, it’s at least 10%. Now countless former-lovers and therapists have theorized about the origins of my rage and have generated a few respectable theories regarding it. I won’t go into detail because I would never, in any way, want to validate the opinions of former-lovers. I am curious though, about the origins of my apathy. I never much cared about where it came from before, but as it has become and increasing presence in my life I feel I should get to know it better. Kinda’ like a cellmate. My family isn’t typically apathetic, except about those commercials for starving children, like everyone is. My parents are pretty adamant about most things, especially their politics. In fact, most family holidays devolve into some ridiculous debate over some political ideology. Not something where you could understand the conviction of both sides, like… something I’m sure both sides have conviction about, but about things that seem rather pointless. Like whether campaign donations should be tax deductible when donating to independent or tea-party candidates. (beat) The argument being that it’s really just a form of charity because they have no real chance of winning… Or the argument my mother makes against universal health care, that it shouldn’t exist if it doesn’t cover hearing aids. Not wheelchairs or seeing-eye-dogs for the blind, but hearing aids. And her hearing is great, this is just a moral stance she’s taking… on hearing aids. No arguments over the two-party system or the collapse of the free market, just silly little details. My family, and too many people in this country, just find some silly little argument to hang their hat on and then stick to it. Sometimes the arguments have merit, but mostly they don’t. It’s just people needing to feel they are right about something in their lives. I think it’s this conviction towards silly little arguments that makes me shut down. Everyone else’s lack of apathy is what causes my apathy. And my apathy towards everyone else’s convictions is what causes my rage, I think. Why can’t I get worked up over something like my mother can? Why can’t I argue pointless doctrine until I’m blue in the face? I want to have conviction too, dammit! I want something to matter to me as much as that, but it doesn’t. It just doesn’t. And that makes me angry.